Panic
by miSSmeliSS1324124
Summary: Its something that's never a problem unless it's happening to you.


**A/N: SPRING BREAK! SPRING BREAK! SPRING BREAK! Oh I am so going to party all night long and by party I mean sit on my couch and do nothing all day lol. I am so happy I finally get to go home. I really needed a break. Anyway, I thought of doing this after I read Miss Fenway's Insomnia. I don't have sleeping problems so I can't relate but I decided to write about another problem that I face and put it into the BTR universe. This will be in Logan's point of view.**

**IMPORTANT:**

**If you haven't already heard about the 8.9 earth quake that hit Japan this morning it was a huge disaster that has already killed hundreds of people. The earth quake caused a tsunami that's 15 to 30 feet high to hit Japan and it may hit Hawaii and the west coast of the US. Help get the word out and keep the people who have suffered from this in your hearts. #preyforjapan.**

It's the most inconvenient when I'm in class. I'm trying to write down notes as fast as I can and listen to what the teacher is saying. After a few minutes I can feel it coming on and I curse to myself wishing it would just go away. I put down my pencil and lower my head trying to fight of the rising panic but it barley helps. I can feel that primal fight or flight instinct kicking in and I don't want to be here anymore.

I know exactly what's going on. I know I'm having a panic attack but knowing what it is doesn't stop it. I take in a deep breath and let it out hoping it will calm me down. I continue to do this as long as I possible but I still feel the chill move through my body. I'm still suddenly cold and fidgety. I don't know if my heart is racing so I check my pulse to see. I don't want anyone else to realize what I'm doing so I pretend I'm scratching the skin right by my pulse point.

When it's finally over and I can finally focus again I'm more relaxed and I feel like I can participate again but the thought of the panic attack never fully leaves my mind.

After the first one it was like the flood gates opened making me susceptible to more. They are such an inconvenience and at times I feel like I can't function. I feel short of breath, I can't talk and I can't even look at anyone. The room suddenly feels too small and too crowded and all I want to do is get out. I just want to hide myself in my room until the terrible feeling goes away. I always have to force myself to calm down and remind myself that it's just a panic attack.

"You're ok Logan." Is what I often think to myself to calm myself down but I can't help the thought that repeats itself in my head.

Heart attack, heart attack, heart attack. When my heart is racing and it feels like something's wrong I immediately think of the worst possible scenario. I check my pulse again to see if it skips a beat because what if it actually is a heart attack this time? Luckily it never is.

It's always a panic attack and they happen at the worst times. While I'm in class, when I'm out with friends. At first I couldn't manage it and I would have to go home and get some rest so I was refreshed the next day. It would get so annoying because I would just want to have fun with James, Kendall, and Carlos but my energy would just be suddenly zapped out of me. They would understand though and would try to help but when I'm feeling this way I just want to be left alone. I don't want people crowding around me.

I want the security of knowing there are people around but I need my space. After a few times they grew to understand this two.

I've learned to manage the "episodes" as my mother calls them more now but the fact that I have to stinks. I remember going out to dinner once when an attack came on. I didn't have to leave and sulk about how I missed all the fun again because of my stupid attack. I simply sat quietly while taking deep breaths until it went away. I wasn't even sure if the other guys noticed. As soon as I was back in the conversation it was like nothing had happened.

That's when they are small though. Once in a blue moon I have a panic attack that comes out of nowhere. I've only been out in public when these happen a few times and I'm very grateful for that. My heart suddenly starts racing and I'm scared for a second but then it suddenly goes away. It's not over though. I'm cold and fidgety. I can still feel the panic deep inside and no amount of deep breaths will make that panic go away. This type of panic attack can only truly be relieved with a good's night sleep.

Even that is still minor. The first panic attack was different. The first one was the worst and I pray that it will never get that bad ever again. Honestly, I doubt it will ever get that bad again but only because now I'm aware. The saying ignorance is bliss does not apply in this situation. I would never want to be ignorant about this.

When the first one happened I had been feeling sick that whole weekend. Kendall's birthday was that same weekend so I sucked it up and went to his house for a sleep over. We were going to eat some pizza and cake then go to the movies and finally go back to his house. At first I thought I was ok but while we were eating I suddenly lost my appetite. I couldn't finish the birthday cake no matter how good it was. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that I might have to go home but I ignored it.

Mrs. Knight drove us to the movies and all seemed to be going well until we got in the theatres. While I was sitting there waiting for the movie to start everything felt wrong. The theatrer was suddenly too small, the speakers were suddenly too loud and I had to cover my ears to stop it. I kept shifting in my seat trying to get comfortable but I couldn't even look at the screen that had suddenly become too bright.

I finally couldn't take it anymore. I begged Kendall to take me home so he called his mother and she picked me up. I thanked her as soon as she dropped me off and I had hoped I would feel better after I relaxed. I called my mother to tell her I was home before going into the living room to lay down.

After twenty minutes though it got worse. I was pacing through the house trying to figure out what I should do. I felt dizzy and I could barely breathe and I was scared. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I finally couldn't take it anymore so I called my mom. I told her something was wrong and I thought I needed to go to the hospital. She left work immediately.

I continued to pace throughout my room and going to the window every few seconds to see if she was there. There was a part of me that said I might be having a heart attack but I wasn't sure. Crazy scenarios filtered through my head.

What if I pass out? What if I'm dying? What if my mom doesn't come in time? I didn't realize it as it was happening but I was making myself panic more. The panic attack was bad enough and because I had no idea what it was I was panicking more.

When my mom finally came and got me it was the longest car ride of my life. I actually remember praying to myself that it wasn't something serious and that I was overreacting.

When I finally found out what had happened and went home I was still nervous. I was afraid it would happen again and the thought scarred me. James, Kendall, and Carlos freaked out as soon as they heard I had been in the hospital. I told them it was nothing serious but to the people who have to deal with a panic attack it is serious.

They are life altering and they affect so many aspects of my life. I can miss taking notes one day because I spend the whole class trying to prevent a panic attack. I can miss out on hanging out with James, Kendall, and Carlos because I'm drained and don't even feel like I have to energy to participate.

It can be debilitating and I often wonder how I'm going to deal with them as I get older. How will I deal with the stress brought on by medical school, or being a parent, or how will I continue to deal with the stress of being a rising popstar? These thoughts are always followed with the realization that there is nothing I can do but deal with them as they come along. Panic attacks are a sucky part of life but they are a part of my life none the less. All I can do is try and work through them the best I can.

**A/N: I know its short but I honestly didn't think I would have that much to write. I never really thought I was going to do this but after I had a small attack in class earlier today I just thought to do this. I hope you enjoyed this and I'm still working on my other stuff so I should be updating a lot soon.**

**=]**


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